


all the love we had (and lost)

by softjily



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jily-centered, Jilytober 2019, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-23 23:16:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20897744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softjily/pseuds/softjily
Summary: "Here's what Lily knows:1. She hasn't seen or heard from James in almost a full month;2. He went to her apartment to collect his things, probably while she was in class;3. He forgot a sweatshirt;4. It still smells like him."orthe one where james and lily break upJily Fandom Awards Alternate Universe One Shot of the Year 2019!





	all the love we had (and lost)

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY JILYTOBER EVERYONE!!!!!
> 
> this fic has been in my wips since january and IT'S FINALLY HERE! sorry i haven't posted more fics this year, i've been swamped with work and generally an awfully stubborn writer's block. anyways, enjoy the angst!

**October, present**

He doesn't even slam the door on the way out.

The movies and TV shows make you _ expect _ it after a fight. When he opens the door, she even flinches subconsciously, bracing herself for the booming sound that’s bound to reach her ears, but there’s nothing. He leaves the door open and the silence hits her harder than the expected sound of wood hitting wood.

After all the screaming and hoarse voices from holding back tears, there's just the soft sound of his footsteps leaving. The _ ding _ of the elevator, the doors opening, closing.

And nothing.

There's nothing, not even the sound of her breaths cause she's not breathing. She can't breathe because this isn't happening and if she breathes it'll be real.

And it's not real. It's not.

And then the elevator _ dings _ again and she's already halfway out the door and his name is already on her lips and _ thank god he came back _ and she can breathe again and-

It's not James.

It's her neighbor, Mrs. Marshall, coming back from her daily walk with her dogs. She notices the girl's tear stricken face and frowns.

“Are you quite alright, Lily dear?”

Her mom would be appalled by her lack of manners, but she just can't bring herself to care in that moment.

She ignores the kind old lady that brings her homemade scones every sunday and invites her for tea. She turns around and closes the door to her flat, pressing her back to it and staring at the collage of pictures and notes on the other side of the room.

Pictures of her and James, James and the boys, her with the girls, James with the girls, her and James and her and the boys and her and James again stare right back at her.

James’ note from yesterday is still there, his messy scrawl forming the words _ you’re beeutiful _ with a smiley bee drawn beside it. And it’s so silly and stupid and so utterly _ James _.

That’s what breaks her. A stupid post-it with a stupid pun and a stupid bee that stupid James probably wrote in a hurry to work.

Knowing that she’s never going to get another one of these stupid post-its is what finally breaks her.

**May, 2016**

“You know, I think you spend more time here than on your _ actual _side of the campus,” Marlene teases when she walks out of her History of Fashion class to find Lily lounging on one of the colorful seats in the common area.

“Your couches are better,” Lily says as she gets up to leave the building, unfazed by her friend’s playful jab. “Plus, the boys are cuter.”

Marlene throws her head back and lets out a sarcastic laugh. “Yeah, if you like fake deep artsy boys still stuck in their 2009 emo phase.”

“Maybe I do, and what about it?”

“Each to their own, Lils,” says Marlene, putting her hands up in mock surrender.

"Weren't you the one who spent all of high school in love with our art teacher? The one with the eyeliner and the black nails?" Lily teases.

"It's called a phase, Lily," Marlene says in a mock condescending tone. "We're supposed to get over them, you know."

"Uh huh, and what about Mr. Goth Biker you've been mooning over since last month?"

"Okay, _ that _ is something you're not supposed to bring up when we're talking and I sound smart."

Lily can't help but laugh at her friend's matter-of-fact tone, throwing her head back at the exact moment she turns the corner and collides with someone's broad chest.

Paper pages fly everywhere as the tall boy loses his grip on his sketchbooks to hold Lily's shoulders and prevent her from falling. Both students stare at each other, trying to get over the initial shock of the collision.

But as his hazel eyes study her face, another wave of shock hits him, and he desperately drops to his knees to desperately gather his sketches.

“I'm so sorry! Oh God, I hope I didn't ruin any of your drawings,” she drops to her knees beside him, reaching to help clean the mess.

“No, it's okay!” he says with a note of desperation in his voice, but she ignores him, still reaching for the sheets. “It's really okay, you don't have to help.”

Too late, she finds out the true reason for his distressed state. Amongst the fallen pages, she finds a familiar face staring back at her with piercing green eyes. Her green eyes.

She stares from the drawing in her hand to the stranger in front of her and back so many times in the span of a couple of seconds she almost feels herself getting dizzy.

He stutters a few times before he's able to collect his thoughts.

“Okay, I know it seems creepy but I swear I have a perfectly good explanation for this,” he says in a rush, not even waiting for her to nod before continuing. “So I had to do some anatomy studies for class and I saw you around campus and you have a really good bone structure and it just made sense to draw you, so… I did,” he pauses, running a nervous hand through his already unruly hair. “But then my color theory professor asked us to study bright colors and contrast and your hair seemed like the perfect shade of red and you also have those bright green eyes that shine really really bright and it just happened.”

His hair is complete chaos by the time he stops speaking, breathless and unable to meet her stare.

A few seconds pass by, and Lily's reminded of her friend's presence when Marlene walks behind her to look at the drawings.

“Well, those are really, really good,” it's the blonde who breaks the silence, craning her neck for a better view over Lily's shoulder.

His eyes snap up but his mouth remains shut. Lily takes a few extra seconds to react, continuing to examine the way his sharp strokes highlight her eyes and jawline, the way her hair perfectly frames her face and the Monalisa smile he managed to sneak into the artwork.

Finally, Lily looks up and meets his terrified stare. “She's right, these are amazing,” she says truthfully, and his eyes get impossibly wider.

“Wait, so you're not creeped out?” his hand stills midway through to his hair as if he's just realised the repeated gesture.

“Well, a little bit, yeah,” she says with a small smile. "So long as you promise me you're not an actual stalker, I mean… I'm actually flattered, I've never been someone's muse before.”

“Well, happy to be of service to you, miss,” he responds with an awkward smile and an even more awkward hand salute. “Can I- uh, can I have those back? I'm actually late for a meeting.”

“Oh my God, of course!” she exclaims, handing him the missing pages so he can tuck them away in his leather folder.

“Thanks,” he displays a hesitant smile. “So… bye, then?”

“Bye,” is her simple answer.

He stares at her for an extra moment, as if she's a puzzle he needs to piece together. It only lasts a second, and soon he turns and resumes his way to his meeting.

Lily barely hears Marlene's teasing quips as they continue heading back to their shared dorm.

It's only when she crosses the threshold fifteen minutes later that Lily realises she forgot to ask his name.

**November, present**

Here's what Lily knows:

  1. She hasn't seen or heard from James in almost a full month;
  2. He went to <strike>their</strike> her apartment to collect his things, probably while she was in class;
  3. He forgot a sweatshirt;
  4. It still smells like him.

**June, 2016**

A month goes by and Lily hasn’t had another encounter with Mr. Cute Art Student. The only thing preventing her from thinking the whole ordeal was something her mind made up is Marlene, who’s constantly there to remind her friend it’s impossible for the both of them to have imagined the same thing.

Eventually, she stops looking for him. It was just a random guy anyway.

Until she spots a head of unruly back hair through the window of a coffee shop near campus. And then a hand reaching up to mess the hair strands even more.

Before she knows it, she’s pushing the door open and in another blink she’s standing in front of his table eyeing the wild array of art supplies scattered around him.

He’s so focused on his current artwork - some kind of still life study - he nearly doesn’t notice her standing there.

“Well hello there, stranger,” she greets him when his eyes meet hers.

A slow smile spreads across his face as he recognizes the familiar face. “Hello, muse.”

“Thought you’d found another muse, with the way you disappeared on me like that.”

“Well, I promised you I wasn't a stalker, didn't I?" he says and she notices his face has some soft gray and black smudges, like he ran his stained fingers over his jawline and temple. "But don't worry, I'm a one-muse man."

Lily tries to play it cool, but she can already feel the heat rising to her neck and cheeks, a sure sign that she’s now blushing bright red.

His smile only grows when he sees her reaction, but he doesn't comment about it.

“So, what's the name of my muse? For historical purposes, of course.”

She frowns down at him, confused but happy that he overlooked her red face. “What historical purposes?”

“Well, when I become a globally famous artist and they write a book about me, they'll want to know who's the woman who inspired me enough to get an A in two subjects.”

“Oh,” is her only response, and just like that, her blush is back with full force.

“So, what is it? Your name?” he inquiries once again, fighting to restrain the urge to pull some paper and draw her red cheeks and messy hair from the wind outside. And her eyes, always her eyes.

“Lily. Lily Evans,” she doesn't know if she should extend her hand or what, so she settles for giving him a vague wave even though she's standing right in front of him.

He's much more certain of himself, barely resembling the insecure boy that crashed into her all those days ago. He extends his hand to her, long fingers smudged with charcoal.

“James. James Potter.”

**December, present**

It sure feels like the universe thinks her life is a joke when two months after the breakup, Lily meets James at the exact same coffee shop that officially started it all for them.

She’s just thanked the barista, Dean, for her drink when she turns around and comes face to face with her ex-boyfriend. Both their eyes widen simultaneously, clearly caught off-guard at the sudden encounter.

The first thing she realises is that he needs a haircut. That and he’s apparently letting his beard grow. She doesn’t know what to do or how to react at that.

As Lily’s eyes sweep his face, tucking away this new look of his in a secluded corner of her mind, his gaze stays transfixed into her eyes. He barely moves even when he breathes as he drinks in the bottomless green of her forest green eyes.

The moment is broken when the person behind Lily in line bumps into her on the way out of the shop. Lily feels the sudden need to break the uncomfortable silence.

“Uh, hey,” she says, playing with her sweatshirt’s drawstrings.

His gaze travels down from her face to her hands, noticing the nervous tick immediately. That, and something else that surprises him once again. 

“Hey, Lils,” he winces at how the nickname just flows out of his tongue easily, wondering if he can still call her that.

“How are you?” she wonders if this could possibly be any more awkward.

He hesitates for a second. “I- I’m fine, I guess. How about you?”

“Just tired, I guess. Finals are coming up and all,” she makes a vague hand gesture.

His only response is to hum and nod a couple of times, letting the silence settle once again.

“So this is awk-” he starts.

“Can we not make this-” she cuts herself off, letting few seconds pass in silence before deciding to continue. “Okay, this is ridiculous. Can we not talk like normal, grown up adults right now or what?”

A small smile graces his lips, but it’s a sad one. “I don’t know, Lily,” he says her name like it pains him to do so. “I want to, but I don’t know if I can.”

Her face falls. “Oh, okay.”

“It’s just that-”

She shakes her head frantically. “No, no. It’s okay,” he frowns and she forces painful smile on her face. “Really. I’m late for class anyways, so I should get going. Bye, James.”

She doesn’t wait for him to reply, practically sprinting out of the shop towards her side of the campus. She stops midway there, leaning against a pillar to breathe and process the last ten minutes.

She closes her eyes and leans down on her knees. Oxygen comes scarcely to her, in what she has now come to realise is the 'losing James Potter' effect.

She didn’t know how she expected their first encounter to be, but she absolutely didn't expect to come out of it feeling like she has a tight fist around her heart, pressing tighter and tighter until it turns to dust.

When she feels safe enough to open her eyes without bursting into tears, she sees something that just makes her want to crawl into a hole and never ever come out.

The sweatshirt. The one she’s wearing that most definitely does _ not _ belong to her. No, that sweatshirt is the same one that James left behind when he sweeped the apartment of his things.

She can practically hear Marlene’s voice in her head saying _nice one, Lily_.

**September, 2016**

“I can't believe I'm letting you do this.”

“Of course you are,” Lily lifts her head with a coy smile directed at James. “You can’t say no to me.”

“And you take full advantage of this fact,” he groans.

“Of course I do,” she answers in the same chirpy tone as before. “Now honey, please stand still or you’ll ruin my artwork.”

He snorts. “Oh, is that what we’re calling this?”

Lily narrows her eyes at him. “Are you telling me I can’t paint nails? I’ve been doing this since i was twelve!”

“Yeah, which means you’ve been sucking at this for about eight or so years,” he says in a mockful pity tone.

She gapes at him for a few seconds before capping the black nail polish. He starts to celebrate only to realise she’s actually reaching for a neon pink vial.

“Lily, no,” he says carefully, as though he’s talking to a dangerous animal.

“That’s what you get for being a rude arsehole and insulting my artistic abilities,” she motions for his hand. “Now give it back.”

He knows it’s a losing battle, so he just gives up and lets her grasp his hand again.

“If Sirius ever finds out, I’ll never hear the end of it,” James groans, ignoring the look Lily gives him when he moves his hand and ruins one of his nails.

“Now that I think about it, I _ should _have just asked Sirius to do this. He’s so much cooler than you.”

He gasps indignantly before narrowing his eyes at her. “I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not gonna work.”

“Oh, really?” she raises a single eyebrow because she knows it annoys him that he can’t do the same. “And what exactly am I trying to do?”

“You’re trying to manipulate me by hurting my ego, but it’s just not gonna work.”

“And why is that?”

“Because Sirius may be cooler than me, but he doesn’t have a girlfriend like you,” he says confidently. “So you failed anyways.”

She only tries to fight back a smile for a few seconds before letting the whole thing take over her face. She simply stares at him like a madwoman until he shifts uncomfortably.

“What?” he asks, unsure and a little confused.

“Girlfriend, huh?” her smile gets impossibly bigger as his eyes widen in shock and realisation.

He stutters, unable to produce a coherent string of words for a few seconds. She simply goes back to painting his nails, taking advantage of the fact that he’s so shocked he can barely move.

“It’s not- I mean, only if you want to, you know. It’s just that we’ve been seeing each other for a while and it just feels like-,” finally, somewhat comprehensible words tumble out of his mouth. “Wait, should I have asked formally or-”

She leans forward, silencing him with a sudden kiss. “Yes, Potter. I’ll be your girlfriend,” she whispers against his lips softly.

It’s his turn to let a wild grin nearly split his face in half, and he leans forward to capture her lips with his. He grabs a hold of her neck as he pulls her back with him in a jumble of kisses and laughter.

Until he tries to move his hand and a few strands of hair stick to his still wet nails.

She breaks the kiss and stares at him in disapproval. The effect is mostly lost on the smile she still can’t contain. “You ruined my art.”

He simply smiles and peels her hair off his hands carefully. “It’s okay, you can do it again,” he can tell she’s a little surprised he didn’t try to resist what he called absolute torture mere twenty minutes before, but she quickly recovers.

“Okay, lean back again. We’re gonna have to completely start over.”

He simply does as he’s told, not a single sound of protest leaving his mouth. She starts the whole thing again, sneaking glances up at him in between messy strokes with the small brush.

Minutes later, she gives the finishing touches - glitter and little stars - and stares expectantly at him as he scrutinizes her work.

It’s one of the most hideous things he’s ever seen in his entire life, but he can’t help but grin at her expectant face and say, “I love it, _ girlfriend. _”

She gives him a peck on the lips, careful not to let her hair stick to his nails again. “That’s a total lie, but I’ll accept it, _ boyfriend. _”

He shrugs and gets off the bed. “Excuse me, but I have to show Sirius the masterpiece my amazing girlfriend just made,” he clarifies once he sees her confused expression. “Also I’m gonna gloat about how much cooler than him I look.”

The sound of her carefree laughter follows him as he calls for his brother, waving his hands around wildly so the paint will dry quickly.

**January, present**

She remembers music. The loud blast of some generic pop song's bass rattling her insides.

She remembers drinking. The sharp sting of liquor burning down her throat with the promise of oblivion the next morning.

She remembers dancing. Swaying her hips from side to side along with her friends, feeling free and almost happy.

She remembers hands. Sneaking up from behind her and finding their way to her hips, moving along with her to the song.

She remembers turning. Meeting a hard body with too much muscle and it feels good but wrong at the same time.

She remembers kissing. Hungry lips attacking hers with desperation that's nothing like the absolute devotion she's used to. Or was used to.

She remembers pushing back. Rushing off as she wipes the back of her hand against her lips, desperate to get the taste of stale beer out of her system.

She remembers grabbing her cellphone and desperately scrolling her contact list.

She remembers she deleted his number the week before.

It doesn't matter.

She remembers.

He doesn't pick up the first time, and for some reason she decides to call him again.

He picks up on the third tone, and the first thing that hits her is the loud noise coming from the speaker, almost twin to the one that's bleeding out of the closed door behind her.

"Hello?" she can't contain the tears that form at the sound of his voice.

"Hey, it's Lily," she says, hoping he doesn't notice how broken she sounds.

His voice hitches up at the sound of her voice, but he doesn’t say anything at all.

"I- I shouldn't have called, sorry," her voice gets caught in her throat at the end. "I'm sorry," she repeats, taking a deep, ragged breath before deciding to hang up.

Just before she hits the button to end the call, she hears it again. His voice, faint but definitely there.

"No, don't- Lily, are you okay?" this time it's her breath that hitches up.

"Yeah, yeah. It's stupid, I'm sorry I bothered you," she hates it, absolutely hates being a stranger to him.

"Are you sure?" he sounds genuinely concerned for her, even after everything.

She commands her body to not fall apart for just a few seconds more, just enough to end the call. "I did something stupid and I needed to hear your voice," she says in one breath. "And I know it's stupid and selfish and completely not fair to you, but I needed it, okay?"

"Okay," he says, voice honest and sure. "It's okay, I get it."

She sighs in relief, nodding even though he can't see her. 

She hears someone call his name on his end of the call, probably Sirius from what she can understand.

"Hey, so I should probably-"

"No, absolutely. I'm sorry again, I shouldn't have called," she ignores him as he tries to reassure her again. She doesn't deserve it. "Say hello to the boys for me, I miss them."

"Okay, I will. Goodbye, Lily."

"Goodbye, James."

Her fragile composure crumbles as soon as the line disconnects.

**March, 2017**

"I feel like we're in some lame indie french movie right now," she says, and the smoke floating out of her mouth turns orange in the sunlight.

He studies her, a lazy smile on his lips. "Enlighten me."

She takes a long drag out of her cigarette before gesturing to the room vaguely. "You know, we're listening to old rock ballads on a record player, smoking cigarettes and drinking cheap wine in a late afternoon," she looks down at the art utensils scattered around him, the way they’re lying on the ground when the couch is _ right there _, the cushions strewn all around the small living room. "Plus, you're a starving artist and all that."

He leans forward to take the bottle from her hand. "Starving artist?"

"Let's pretend for a second you're not filthy rich, okay? For the aesthetic."

"Alright," he says, amusement clear on his face. "But how does the med student fit the aesthetic, then?"

"Obviously I'm a redhead so I get a free pass for not being artsy," she stares at him with an expression that screams _ duh _ while pointing at her messy hair.

"Yeah, makes sense,” he tilts the bottle back, glaring at it when nothing comes out. “Do we have another one of these?”

“Yeah, I bought two,” she admires the way his muscles flex when he moves, from the moment he gets up from the floor to the moment he finds and opens the bottle of wine. The boy was a true work of art.

The space around them is nearly empty, with Lily having moved into the flat just two days prior. There are boxes pushed into corners and a half finished shelf set leaning against the wall. 

She looks around at the bare walls and imagines filling them with pictures and James’ artwork. Looks at the coffee table and hears herself screaming at Sirius not to put his dirty feet there. Looks at the unplugged TV and sees her friends fighting over which movie they’re gonna watch that night. 

And James. James beside her, snuggling on the couch. James cooking while she sips a glass of the same cheap wine they’re drinking right now. James getting home and finding her buried under piles and piles of books, convincing her to take a break with soft kisses along her neck and jawline.

She focuses back on the present, her eyes finding James as he walks back to her. The song changes, and a slow smile creeps up his face as the guitar notes of _ Something _ by The Beatles fill the room.

_ Something in the way she moves _

_ Attracts me like no other lover _

_ Something in the way she woos me _

He dramatically sings the words to Lily as he pulls her to her feet, gluing their bodies together as her smile grows wider. She kisses him mid-sentence, getting his teeth more than his lips but she doesn’t care.

_ I don't want to leave her now _

_ You know I believe and how _

He dips her and the sound of her laughter mixes with the guitar and bass strings in the most beautiful cacophony of sounds to ever bless his ears.

_ Somewhere in her smile she knows _

_ That I don't need no other lover _

_ Something in her style that shows me _

He pulls her back up and she showers his face with kisses. He smiles through the frenzy of affection, hugging her closer to him.

_ I don't want to leave her now _

_ You know I believe and how _

She jumps up and twines her legs around his waist, his hands immediately moving to the underside of her thighs to secure her.

_ You're asking me will my love grow _

_ I don't know, I don't know _

_ You stick around now it may show _

_ I don't know, I don't know _

He belts out the words to her while spinning around and she throws her head back with a wide smile that's starting to feel like a permanent fixture on her face whenever James is near her.

_ Something in the way she knows _

_ And all I have to do is think of her _

_ Something in the things she shows me _

He stops spinning and walks to the kitchen counter, placing her on top of it but not letting her unwind her legs from around his waist. He takes her hand and places it on top of his own heartbeat.

_ I don't want to leave her now _

_ You know I believe and how _

The music fades away and another one starts but they don't move, wishing they could stay cocooned into this moment for the rest of eternity. 

**February, present**

"God, love mexican food," moans Dorcas with a mouthful of nachos and guacamole.

"Dorcas, manners," reprimands Marlene, making Lily laugh at the almost motherly tone coming from her least motherly friend.

Dorcas rolls her eyes and sticks her tongue out at her blonde friend, half-chewed nachos and all. Lily laughs even harder at the appalled look on Marlene's face, and Dorcas sends her a mischievous look as she closes her mouth and resumes chewing.

The conversation gets back on its usual track, from college to work to that new movie on Netflix to Lily and Dorcas talking about Game of Thrones and Marlene groaning because she hates it.

And still, there's one subject Lily knows her friends avoid talking about in front of her. It's been almost 4 months since her relationship with James Potter ended and the girls still act like they can't talk about their own relationships in front of her. And it's ridiculous.

She’s not a baby, she can handle it. She’s fine.

“So have you girls gone on any hot dates lately?” Lily asks when there’s a lull in the conversation.

“I went out with this girl a couple of weeks ago but nothing too exciting,” Dorcas says with a shrug.

Lily turns to Marlene, expecting her friend to launch into a story about some guy she met on a crazy night out that ended with her never even learning his name at all. Instead, all Lily finds is Marlene pushing her food around her plate and avoiding Lily’s eyes.

"What is it?" the redhead asks with narrowed eyes. "Marlene Marie Mckinnon, don't you dare hide something from me."

Marlene winces at the use of her full name, breathing deep once and taking a long sip of her drink before turning to her best friend. "I went on a date with Sirius," she stops to study Lily's reaction, looking for any signs of anger or betrayal. When she finds none, she continues. "Actually... it wasn’t _ a _date, more like dates, in plural. I got tired of hooking up at parties and basically subpoenaed him to go on a real date with me."

Lily frowns at her friend. "Oh, okay."

Marlene turns to Dorcas with raised eyebrows. "See? I told you she'd be mad."

"I'm not mad that you're going out with Sirius," Lily says, and the two girls turn to look at her once again. "Why would I be? You know I always said you two should just bang or something. I'm mad 'cause you two keep treating me like a child, hiding stuff from me and just generally not talking about dating and stuff like I'm gonna burst into tears, call James and beg him to get back together with me," she hopes her friends didn’t notice the way her throat seemed to close when she said his name.

Dorcas and Marlene share a look, and even though Lily can’t hear the hidden messages traveling through this look, she has a fair idea of what they were about to say.

“I know you’re gonna say you were only trying to protect me and all but I don’t need you to do this, okay? I’m and adult, and I’m okay,” she interjects.

“We’re sorry,” Marlene says, motioning to Dorcas with her head while the brunette nods in confirmation.

Lily smiles in reassurance at her friends. “I know you are, I just need you to promise me it’s not gonna happen again.”

“We promise, pinky style,” this time it’s Dorcas who speaks, sticking out her pinky finger in Lily’s direction. She pokes Marlene with her elbow to do the same, and in seconds the three girls have their fingers interlaced with resolute looks on their eyes and soft smiles on their lips.

“Now that _ that’s _out of the way,” Lily says when their fingers are separated, turning her attention to the blonde to her left. “Care to tell me how those so-called dates are going?”

As Marlene launches into multiple stories about dates on rooftops and sex on rooftops and driving around on Sirius' motorcycle, Lily smiles and laughs and is genuinely happy for her friend.

Still, it’s amazing how just the sound of _ his _name can bring her back to that place where she needs to mentally reassure herself over and over again that she’s okay.

It’s been four months since James Potter walked out of her life and she’s okay. She’s okay. She’s okay.

**November, 2017**

She feels his fingers tracing her back, cold against the warmth of her skin. She groans and refuses to open her eyes as she speaks. “James, your hands are cold.”

She feels the soft rumble of his laugh on the mattress. “They wouldn’t be if you actually let me have some of the covers.”

“I told you before, it’s an inevitable nightly battle and you always let me win,” she hisses when he snakes his palm on her naked waist beneath the covers. “Guess you just have to fight harder if you really want it.”

He pulls her body back against his own, and she finally opens her eyes. “But then how are you going to warm me up each morning?” he says with a sly look in her direction. “It’s my favourite part of our mornings, you know.”

“I thought the sex was your favourite part of our mornings.”

“Yeah, that too, I guess,” he teases, pinching her in the ass when she shoots him a look.

His hand is already warm by then, and she no longer hisses at him because of the temperature shock. Instead, she snuggles up to him, tangling up their legs and throwing the blanket over him as well.

He tightens his hold on her and showers her shoulder and neck with kisses, his mouth lasting a few moments longer when he finds a freckle he particularly likes. She traces his arm, pausing when she finds a faint scar near his wrist.

“Hey, where did you get this?”

He cranes his neck to look at the mark as she adjusts herself so she’s lying on her back beside him, still holding his arm. She watches as a fond expression takes over his face.

"One time me and the boys got drunk at my folks' house and decided to climb on the roof," he lets out a small laugh at the incredulous look she gives him. "Stellar idea, I know. The details are a little fuzzy but of course someone had to fall and that someone had to be me. I slipped and my arm got caught in a broken tile while Peter nearly passed out because of the blood, Sirius volunteered to perform CPR on me and Remus ran inside yelling 'I have first aid training!'"

"And did Remus come through?" she asks, making a genuine effort not to laugh.

"Oh, yeah. It was a very well placed Star Wars band-aid."

They both lose the little control they had, laughing at the sheer foolishness of the whole situation.

When they stop laughing and silence falls around them, she continues exploring him, finding a million little scars scattered through his body. She asks for the story behind each one, hungry for details and knowledge about the wonderful boy who holds her heart next to his own.

"What about this one?" she traces a barely noticeable scar on his hairline.

"Rode a bike straight into a mailbox when I was eight."

"And this?" a bump on the side of his thumb.

"Me and Padfood thought it would be nice to fight each other with real knifes after watching a pirate movie."

The stories range from different ages and places, and Lily feels like a little kid being filled with wonder with every word that leaves his mouth.

They have been together for almost a year now, and it still amazes her how you can never stop knowing someone. There's always gonna be a little corner of their body, a quirk in their personality and numerous stories you might never hear of no matter how long you've known them.

And for the first time in her life, she wants someone to know her. All of her. Every nook and cranny and everything that makes her Lily Evans.

She hopes he feels the same. She hopes he's willing to open his life up to her like she wants to do with him.

She wants to know him, to touch him and know he's willing to give her all that he is, all that he can be.

**March, present**

Lily closes her eyes and lets herself enjoy the rock song coming from the speakers, alternating between jumping up and down and swaying her hips to the beat. The band is better than she expected for a college bar opening, and she can already see Dorcas eyeing the cute drummer up.

The song ends with an explosion of sound and the people around the bar whoop and clap their hands, most already missing the sound even as it fades slowly.

“We’re the Lost Lockets and it’s been a pleasure to play for you here at the Golden Snitch,” the lead singer speaks on the microphone, being met with even more applause from the small crowd filling up the space. “We’ll be taking a short break and then we’ll be right back onstage to play some more songs!”

The crowd in front of the small stage starts to scatter around, some heading for the bar to get refills, some going to the bathroom and some going to the back door to get a quick smoke.

Lily and her friends head for the bar, thirsty for some drinks after all the dancing and sweating they just did on the makeshift dance floor.

.”Oh my God, I need a drink ASAP,” pants Marlene while they wait in line to order.

“Same here,” breathes Lily. “They’re so good, though.”

There’s a general sound of agreement as they inch closer to the counter.

Each of them busies themselves with some idle activity to pass the time as they take tiny steps towards the counter. Marlene checks her phone, Dorcas fixes her askew shirt and Lily taps her toe to the beat of the generic pop song playing on the speakers and looks around at the people in the room.

She hears his laugh before she sees him, but she knows it’s him. You don’t spend over two years dating someone who’s in love with laughter and happiness just to forget the sound of their laugh after a few months.

Five months, to be exact.

A second later her eyes find him, and her heart aches when she sees that the boys are there too. 

God, she misses them. One of the worst things about the breakup was losing Remus, Sirius and Peter too. As much as they try to stay in touch and regularly ask her how she’s doing, she knows and they know it’s not the same.

She doesn’t have time to reminisce on memories of jokes and prank wars and movie marathons with them, because right then a brunette girl she’s never seen before sneaks up behind James and hugs him, yelling “happy birthday, Mister Prongs!”

And he turns and laughs and hugs the girl as if he’s known her for a million years and the intimacy and familiarity of the hug feels like a kick in Lily’s gut.

She only realises she’s been holding her breath when she gasps loudly and suddenly.

Of course. It’s March 27, James Potter’s birthday.

And she forgot. For a few blissful days she forgot about James Potter and his birthday and the big birthday party she had planned for him.

It would have all of his favorite things. Booze. Art. Music. Little salty pretzels. Sirius. Remus. Peter. Alice and Frank too. Basically every single one of his friends.

And her.

Because she used to be one of his favorite things. Used to be his girlfriend. Used to be his future.

Used to.

And because the universe decided to play some cruel joke on her, she’s at the same bar as him while he’s with some girl who knows him well enough to call him by the nickname his best friends gave him. James told her she was the first girlfriend that ever earned the privilege of calling them by their nicknames.

She tunes back into the world and notices Marlene and Dorcas calling her name with concerned expressions on their faces.

“Lil? Are you okay?” Dorcas asks with genuine confusion.

Lily doesn’t answer, instead turning around and wordlessly heading for the back exit, the one least likely to be in James’ line of sight.

The cold night air hits her in the face when she opens the door and steps outside. She hears two sets of footsteps behind her, and a second later her friends are in front of her.

“Lily, do you need some water? Are you going to throw up?” Marlene asks.

“No,” she leans her back against the wall. “Yes. I don’t know, just let me think.”

Dorcas and Marlene share a concerned look as Lily fights to control her breathing.

“Lily, what happened?” Dorcas asks after a couple of minutes, when she feels like Lily’s calmer than before.

It takes Lily a few seconds to find her voice. She doesn’t know if she has it in herself to say his name after what she just saw.

“James,” no matter how much she prepared, her voice still comes out in only a whisper. “I just saw him in there, hugging some girl,” she turns to Marlene. “Sirius is here. Did you know they were coming?”

Marlene frowns at her friend. “No, Lils. Of course not. He told me they were going to the Three Broomsticks, I had no idea they were coming.”

Lily nods her head and tries to gather her thoughts.

“It’s weird, you know,” she says, “seeing him like this. Happy.”

“Lily-” Marlene starts but Lily cuts her off.

“No, no. It’s okay,” Lily’s body betrays her when her eyes start to well with tears, and her voice starts to come out in a weak whisper. “It’s okay. It’s just weird to see him happy like that, without me. Deep down I kept hoping he’d come back, that he’d knock on my door and say ‘hey, my world isn’t so great without you after all,’” she sucks in a ragged breath. “Because_ my _ world fucking sucks since he walked out that door and I was fucking _ waiting _ for him to tell me he’s been as miserable as I am and he’s not. He’s just not.”

Dorcas takes a step forward to pull Lily into a hug, feeling Marlene go to the other side and hug her too. Lily sobs into their shoulders for a few minutes, hearing the soothing words her friends whisper to her.

She eventually steps out of the hug, wiping the tears under her eyes.

“I’m gonna walk home,” she says with a little more strength this time. “You guys can go back inside and enjoy the rest of the set,” both of her friends open their mouths to protest. “Yes, I’m sure. No, I don’t want you two to come with me, I need to be alone. I love you guys.”

“We love you too,” they reply in unison, watching with barely concealed concern as Lily starts walking towards the sidewalk.

**April, 2018**

The sound of raindrops hitting the windows follows Lily as she heads to the living room, where her boyfriend is probably lying on the couch with a book propped on his stomach.

As she turns the corner, she finds him asleep, his glasses askew on his face and the book she imagined he’d be reading almost falling off the side of the couch. She stops and leans against the wall to enjoy the view for a minute.

He’s wearing the ratty Doctor Who t-shirt he got when he was ten, at least four sizes too big then but it fits him just right at 21. Lily wonders how it’s still holding itself together after so many years in washing machines. The light coming from the windows is dimmed by the rainclouds outside, but it’s enough to light the side of his face.

The whole sight is almost enough to distract her from her goal, almost enough to make her give up and just join him on the couch for an afternoon nap with the sound of the falling rain as their lullaby.

But Lily Evans is a woman of her word, and she knows James Potter is a man of his.

She takes the remaining steps and leans down, placing a soft kiss to his forehead and watching as he instantly shifts in his sleep.

“Hey, Potter,” she says, her voice a couple of octaves above a whisper.

“What?” he groans sleepily.

She smiles softly at him, even though he can’t see it because he refuses to open his eyes yet. “You know what day today is?”

“What,” he says flatly, trying to bury his face on the cushion beneath his head.

“It’s going to dinner with your mom and dad day,” she gives him a featherlight kiss on his forehead and he struggles to open his eyes.

“Do we _ really _ have to go?” he frowns with half open eyes.

“Well, you were the one that set the date and that date is today so yeah, I guess we do.”

His arm stretches out to grab her waist, and she whelps when he pulls her down on top of him. "Five more minutes," he murmurs against her neck.

She laughs and snuggles against him, inhaling the smell that's just _ James _. "Okay, but if your mom gets mad about us being late I'm telling her it was your fault."

"You know she won't believe you anyway," he counters. "Now shh, I want those five minutes of pure blissful sleep with you."

She lifts her head to look at him for a second before lying back down on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing and listening to the soft sound of his heart beating.

She doesn’t fall asleep, and neither does he. They stay there for these extra five minutes, feeling each other breathe and all the places their bodies meet like perfectly notched pieces of a puzzle.

**March, present**

Lily takes the long way home in hopes of using the extra time to make sense of the hundreds of thousands thoughts and feeling running through her head and heart.

It doesn’t work.

Tired and with slightly sore feet, she finally turns her key and walks into her apartment’s living room. For the first time in months, she looks at the empty space where a collage of pictures and memories used to be. She never managed to get all the tape stains out from the wall.

In a fit of raw courage fueled by months-old resentment, Lily fishes her phone from her back pocket and dials James' number, her fingers finding the digits like it's second nature.

Her heart pounds loudly in the quiet apartment as she hits the call button, and she wonders if he'll be able to hear it from the other side of the line.

Except he won't because the call goes straight to voicemail. She starts when his voice comes through the speaker.

"Hey, this is James! I probably lost my phone or forgot to charge it, so leave a message and I'll call you back when I check this thing here," he says with that voice full of laughter she remembers too well. "Wait for the beep. BEEP! No, not this beep," he laughs at his own joke, and she hears her own laughter join his in the recording. "But really, wait for the beep and you're good to go. Bye!"

The actual beep from the machine sounds a second after, startling her once again. She's shocked, both from hearing his voice and the memory that comes rushing into her brain, from the day he recorded the message with her by his side.

It's that memory that sparks the last thread of boldness she needed to start talking.

"Hey, I know it's your birthday and-" she checks the time on her phone, realising it's after midnight, "well, it _ was _your birthday until about two hours ago. But anyway, I saw you today after a long fucking time and… I just realised we never talked about everything and seeing you today so happy and with someone," she hates the way she pauses and how her voice cracks at the last word. "Yeah, I didn't expect it."

She bangs her head against the wall, feeling stubborn tears forming in her eyes.

"This is Lily, by the way," she remembers to say, not sure if he remembers the sound of her voice. "And guess I wanna know if you've moved on. If you've forgotten me already. Or even if you wonder about me sometimes, if you tried to call and couldn't find your phone," she lets out a weak laugh. "You're always losing that damn thing, aren't you?"

She didn't know when she ended up on the floor, but she pulls her legs against her chest, hugging herself amidst her feeble sobs.

"James," she whispers his name like it's sacred, "I won't tell you how lonely I've been. Or how many nights I've spent crying since you walked out. I won't tell you any of this, because I just want to know- I want to know when you got over me. How easy it was. If you've really found someone else and _ how _ you did it," she's given up trying to control her voice a long time ago. "James, sometimes I wish I'd never met you. You've ruined me. _ You've ruined me _. And I can't escape what we could've been. What we were," she stops the memories from flooding back, puts a strong wall up to keep herself from breaking. "You're not mine anymore and I'm finally starting to accept that. We broke up five months ago and I've been bleeding all over the place ever since, hoping you'd come back and we'd talk and everything could be the way it was. Do you remember how it was? James, I don't want to remember anymo-" another beep sounds from the speaker, indicating the end of the voicemail, and Lily sucks in a jagged breath, dizzy from all the feelings she’s processing at the moment. The robotic voice of the answering machine speaks back to her.

_ End of message. To play your message, press 1. To re-record your message, press 2. To delete your message, press 3. If you are satisfied with your message, end call. _

Lily stares at her phone, and without hesitation presses the 3 key.

**September, 2018**

The beginning of the end starts two months after Fleamont and Euphemia Potter die, victims of a car accident caused by a drunk driver.

Seeing James Potter grieve the death of his parents is not something Lily Evans was prepared to deal with. Watching the light in his eyes dim to an almost imperceptible speck has been definitely one of the hardest things she’s ever had to face.

And then the light is back, but not really.

His laughs seems forced, and she sees how quickly his smile vanishes when no one is looking. She sees the way he sits for hours in front of a blank page, not able to draw a single stroke or a splash of color.

One night he gets home with a bright smile on his face, and she thinks maybe he’s finally starting to heal.

“Lily, I just had the greatest idea,” he almost screams as soon as he gets through the door.

“Yeah? Spill,” she says, tilting her face up so he can give her a quick peck on the lips.

He sits beside her on the couch, an eager expression on his face. “You, me and the boys taking a year off to backpack all over the world,” he says, and waits for an excited answer that doesn’t come. “Marlene and Dorcas can come too, you know. They’re part of the gang.”

“James, you know I can’t,” she says softly and he frowns in confusion. “I don’t have the money and there’s classes, not to mention Remus is in the middle of writing his thesis. Did you run this by him and the boys?”

His face falls a little, and she can see the spark fighting to stay alight. “Well, not yet. I had this idea on the walk back from my meeting. I was going to invite them over to talk about it,” he runs his hand through his hair, a sign of frustration. “And you know money isn’t a problem, I’ve got my parents’ inheritance to cover us.”

He tries to hide it, but she can see and hear the effect the last part has on him, like he forgot for a moment his parents are dead and realised as he spoke the words. He blinks fast a few times and the words come out a little choked up.

“I don’t want your money, James,” she grabs his hand. “And you know I can’t take a year off college. My parents are counting on me, I promised them I’d come back as soon as possible to help treat my dad.”

He nods and gives her a kiss on the forehead. “Yeah, sorry. I just thought…” he trails off and gets up.

She grabs his hand before he can disappear through the hallway and inside himself again. “Hey,” she kisses his hand, “we can still go somewhere during the summer, right? Maybe a road trip?”

“Yeah, maybe,” his hand slips out of her grasp and he heads for the bedroom.

She stares after him feeling her heart break a little bit with each step he takes away from her.

**April, present**

The boring and soulless sound of some classical waltz song fills the ballroom as Vernon and Petunia Dursley stumble around the room in their first “dance” as a married couple.

It’s a painful thing to watch, but Lily can’t take her eyes off the scene, focusing on the barely concealed painful look on Petunia’s face, especially when Vernon steps on one of her feet.

When the melody dies out and an even duller one starts, other couples start to fill the dance floor. She spots her father leading her mother near the middle, a look of adoration directed at his wife.

She puts up the wall in her mind again when she feels unwelcome thoughts about the one person she promised herself not to think about again. That wall has been the only thing keeping her sane during this last month.

Lily feels a tap on her shoulder, turning around to spot her great-aunt Daisy peering down at her through her smudged glasses.

“Hey auntie Daisy,” Lily smiles. “Enjoying the reception?”

“Oh, sure! Everything is lovely here,” her aunt says. “I was just wondering… with all the couples dancing this beautiful waltz, where is that charming boyfriend of yours?”

In the six months since the end of her relationship with James, she’s lost count on how many times she’s heard that question. And it certainly wasn’t the first time she heard it at this particular wedding.

“Oh,” Lily’s smile falls, and she fights to put it back up and not look like she was just punched in the guts. Even though that’s exactly how she feels. “Ah, we… we broke up, six months ago,” she considers it a victory that she managed to get all the words out without being betrayed by her voice.

“Oh, dear. I’m so sorry,” the pitying look Daisy Evans gives her is humiliating enough to crack her composure.

She gets up and puts a hand on her aunt’s shoulder. “Thank you, auntie. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the ladies’ room.”

She has the sense to wait for her aunt to nod and excuse her before walking - and trying not to run - to the restroom. She finds it miraculously empty, and finds a booth to lock herself in, pulling out her phone from the hidden pocket in her dress.

In vain, she tries to hold back tears as she opens up her photo gallery, going straight for the folder she knows will make her cry even harder.

This. This step in the process of getting over someone. Deleting all of the pictures and videos from a past relationship should actually be the first step.

But this is what she never managed to do.

So she opens up the folder, losing herself in photos and videos of the years she spent beside James Potter.

She lets the tears fall as she goes through memories of them drinking on rooftops with the gang, meeting his parents for the first time, their first anniversary together, the disastrous camping trip with the boys, that time Sirius caught them going at it in a bathroom during a party, their first - and only - Halloween together, where they went as Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson.

She stops at a picture of them lying together by the pool at his parents’ house. She can barely see anything though the tears, but decides it’s enough for the day.

She’s the sister of the bride, and even if the bride doesn’t her sister very much, she can’t stay hidden in a bathroom stall sobbing for the rest of the wedding.

After doing her best to fix her makeup and praying no one tries to talk to her at least for the next hour, she takes a few deep breaths and heads back to the ballroom, her sights fixated on the bar and the sweet promise of alcohol.

Except a small human stops her before she achieves her goal, pulling at her skirt when she’s only ten steps away from the bar.

“Aunt Lily?”

“Yes, Poppy?” she turns with a deep breath and a robotic smile on her face.

“Where’s uncle James?” the small human asks. “He promised he’d dance with me at aunt Petunia’s wedding, but I can’t find him anywhere.”

Lily crouches to her niece’s level with that same frozen smile in place. “Poppy, your uncle James couldn’t come with me today, okay? I’ll talk to him and see if he can make it next time, okay?”

And she gets up to resume her route, not explaining to the poor kid what “the next time” even means.

She takes all of two steps and stops, turning to the dance floor and finding it even more crowded with couples as the DJ plays a remix of some 80’s song.

And it’s so easy, so so easy picture it. Almost like it’s real, her and James right beside her parents making silly dance moves. Her father, throwing his head back in laughter when her mother attempts to do the robot dance. James mimicking the ridiculous moves.

Her and James swaying lazily when the party winds down and the staff starts to collect the decorations and no one else has the energy to dance anymore. His jacket around her shoulders, practically swallowing her up but still she’s the most beautiful woman in the entire universe to him.

She blinks when she feels tears she didn’t know she still had coming again.

Lily knows then that just one drink isn’t going to be enough, and staying there will simply not do.

She’s going after James, whether he wants it or not. She deserves closure, it’s the least he could do for her.

Turning on her heel, she grabs a full bottle of champagne and decidedly heads out of her sister’s wedding.

**October, 2018**

Lily and James rarely fight.

It’s not like it never happens, it does.

But their fights usually end in laughter, kisses or in bed. At most, one of them will take a walk around the block to cool down and then come back to the apartment with an apology ready on their lips, and then they’ll talk and rationally come to a compromise.

But this? No, this is not a regular fight.

“Lily, it’s just _ one year _, what difference is it going to make anyway?” James runs his hands through his hair in exasperation. They’ve been at this for almost an hour. A month, really, if he’s being honest.

“I’ve told you at least a thousand times that the reason I started med school in the first place was so I could go back to Cokeworth and help treat my dad’s cancer,” she cries out.

“I’m sure he doesn’t want you to live only for that,” he says in a cutting way and she has to take a few seconds before answering.

“James,” she says calmly. Too calmly. “I don’t know if you have grasped the concept yet, but my _ father _ has _ cancer _ and my family is counting on me to work close to home so I can help with his treatment.”

“Lily, it’s just one year,” he says flatly.

“And I told you I can’t take a full year off school and that we can go during the summer.”

“And I told you I want to take the year off!”

“So go!” she yells at him. “Go! I’m not stopping you, the boys aren’t stopping you, so why don’t you go and take your fucking year off by yourself?”

“Because I want you to fucking go with me!” he yells back.

“Well, I know you grew up really rich, but I was taught we can’t always have what we want.”

“Nice, Lily,” he says. “Again, it’s just one year of traveling around the world with your boyfriend, I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“James, I-” she starts yelling and stops herself when she feels hot angry tears coming. “My father is living on borrowed time, and I intend to do everything in my power to help him _ as soon as possible _, okay?”

“Okay,” he says derisively. “God forbid you have some fun in your twenties, right?”

“God, James!” she snaps, reaching her breaking point after trying to keep herself and him together for so long. “Just because your parents are dead, doesn’t mean I have to act like mine already are!”

She regrets it as soon as the words leave her mouth in a hoarse and sickening scream. It’s the lowest thing she’s ever done in her entire life.

Her mind spins within itself, trying to find a way to take the words back, wonders if she can just pluck them right out of the air before they reach his ears. But she’s rooted on the spot, shocked with herself.

The look he gives her tells her the damage is done. There’s nothing she can do to salvage this.

With one last pained look, James Potter opens the door to <strike>their</strike> her apartment and walks out.

He doesn’t even slam the door.

**April, present**

He’s close to falling asleep when the thundering sound of a fist knocking repeatedly on his front door fills his apartment.

The sound startles him enough that he almost falls off the bed, fumbling for his glasses on the nightstand as he regains his footing. The knocking hasn’t stopped yet, and he starts down the hall, yelling a “I’m coming!” on the way.

He freezes when he opens the door.

Whatever or whoever he thought he would find standing by his door at half past midnight, it sure wasn’t Lily Evans, drenched from the rain outside wearing a full evening dress and holding a half-full bottle of champagne with a raised fist ready to beat his door to the ground.

“Lily, what the fu-” he starts to say when he recovers from the shock, but she’s already moving past him and into the apartment.

She stops in the middle of the living room and turns around to look at him. “We need to talk.”

He slowly closes the door and stares at her like she’s definitely lost her mind. “Lily, are you insane? It’s pouring outside, and- where were you, by the way? Why are you dressed like this?”

He takes the opportunity to look at her for the first time in months. Hair is shorter, the wet strands falling just a little over her shoulder. Her cheeks are red from the cold and her eyes are bright with emotion.

He’d missed her eyes.

“Yes, I know it’s pouring. _ I was there _,” he rolls his eyes at the sarcasm. “I was at my sister’s wedding, obviously. The one you were supposed to be my date for.”

“Oh,” he so eloquently says. “How- how was it?”

“Oh, brilliant,” she takes a swig from the bottle and he notices she’s not quite drunk yet, even though she wants to be. “Got asked the same question by every single relative of mine, it was absolutely brilliant. You know what the question was?”

“Yes, I think I can imagine,” he says with a sigh.

“‘Where’s James?’” she says in a high pitched voice. “‘Lily, why did you and James break up? What happened?’, ‘Oh, he was so charming, it’s a shame you two parted ways.’”

She takes another swig of the champagne and takes two steps towards him. The scent of her perfume envelops him. He stays silent.

“And it’s been happening for six whole months, but tonight it got me thinking,” she looks directly into his eyes. “_ You _ left. _ You _ walked out and didn’t look back. And I’ve been trying to keep myself together since then. So yeah, obviously I wasn’t your ‘the one’ or whatever,” she makes air quotes, “but I like to think that I tried to make you happy, you know?”

“Lily-” he tries to say, but she keeps going.

“So I have a few questions for you, if that’s okay. I think I deserve to have this one thing so can move on and try to forget you for good, okay?”

He closes his eyes tightly, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly right after. “Yes. Yes, okay.”

“Do you regret it? Us?” and that’s when her angry and unyielding façade cracks. It’s barely a centimeter, but it’s there. 

“No, never,” he speaks in a clear voice.

“Was it hard?”

“Yes, it still is,” his raw honesty catches her off guard, but she quickly recovers.

“Did you wonder about me at all?”

“I didn’t have to,” he shrugs. “I just had to ask Marlene.”

“Did you ever try to call?”

“A thousand times.”

She sucks in a deep breath and looks away. He watches her as she collects her thoughts, waiting for her to be ready to continue. 

She’s right. She deserves this, they both do.

“When-” she looks at him again, and he can see her struggle to fight tears. “When did you fall out of love with me?”

He takes longer to answer this question, frowning down at her for long silent seconds that loudly fill the room.

“Lily,” he finally cracks, his voice nothing but a whisper she can hear too clearly. “Never. Never, Lily. I haven’t and I don’t think I ever will.”

She braces her hand on the side table beside her, losing her balance for a second but refusing to look away.

“What about that girl? From your birthday?”

He frowns behind his glasses. “Who?”

“A short brunette in a ponytail. She hugged you from behind and called you Prongs,” she says in a mild accusatory tone.

“That’s Mary, she’s an old friend of ours. Me and the boys, I mean,” he finally loses the confused expression as recognition downs on him. “She went to school with us, but she moved to the U.S. a couple of years ago. She just got back.”

“Oh,” she mimics his initial reaction.

“Lily, what do you want?”

She lifts the bottle to take another sip but gives up midway, instead choosing to put the bottle on the side table.

“I wanted you back, for so long,” she says, defeated. “I wanted you to call, or go back home and tell me ‘hey, i know we said some horrible things but I don’t want to lose you’ and then we’d talk it through and everything would be fine, just like it was. I wanted to get rid of the weight of that last fight, I wanted to say ‘I’m sorry that I hurt you’ and hear you say ‘sorry that I hurt you too.’ I wanted you to be okay, I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help you get there,” she can’t control the tears that fill her eyes. His own eyes start to well up.

“I was scared, for so long,” he starts, his voice choked. “I was scared to lose you, scared you’d drift away from me. Then I was scared to admit I was wrong. Wrong for pushing you and being an asshole about your father. Wrong for not talking to you about how I truly felt about everything. Wrong for not caring who got hurt because I thought the only one allowed to be hurt was me,” he stops, trying to calm himself. “I’m sorry, Lily. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too, James,” the tears fall freely from her eyes.

They stare at each other across the room, tears falling from their eyes.

Then James laughs, and Lily looks a little lost.

“We’re so fucking stupid, aren’t we?” he laughs again, wiping off his tears and walking towards her. “Six months. We spent six months pining and crying just because we were too scared to talk. Two years together and we just let it end like that, huh?”

She smiles too, but it’s a sad smile. “James,” she whispers as he steps closer. “James, is it over?”

He stops a step away from her, his expression serious and resolute. “No, Lily. It was never really over for me.”

One second she was in front of him but oceans away, and in the next heartbeat she had glued her mouth to his.

All the clichés were right, she realises. Because kissing Lily Evans after six months of thinking he’d lost her felt like home. _ She _ felt like home.

Their noses bump and his glasses press against her cheek, and she tastes like champagne. His hands find the back of her neck, tilting her head up and caressing the column of her throat with one of his thumbs.

Her hands find his hair, and she breaks the kiss with a smile. “I missed your hair.”

He gives her a peck on her lips, a smile spreading through his own involuntarily. “I missed _ you _.”

She jumps back into the kiss, and he's so, so blissfully happy he can't even think straight. He just follows his well-honed instincts and loses himself in Lily Evans.

That is until the front door bursts open and Sirius comes inside the apartment, stopping in his tracks when he sees Lily and James glued to each other.

"What the actual fu- you know what?" Sirius says, throwing up his hands. "Fucking FINALLY!"

Lily can't help but laugh at his reaction. "Oh, Sirius. I missed you."

"And I missed _ you _, my gorgeous Lilypad," he points at her before his eyes find the bottle of champagne sitting on the table. "And there's champagne! Hold on, I'm calling Marlene right now."

"Padfoot!" James exclaims.

"What?" he answers. "Actually, just stay like that, I'm gonna take a picture and send it to her."

James rolls his eyes and grabs Lily's hand, pulling her towards the corridor and to his bedroom.

"You were supposed to stay in your lover's embrace, not run away from me!" Sirius screams after Lily and James before stopping to speak on the phone. "Hello? Marls? You will never believe what I just walked into"

"Goodnight, Sirius!" the couple says in unison as they reach James’ room.

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to leave kudos and a comment, please! come yell at me on twitter @softjiIy or tumblr on lilyevaxs


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